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Have you ever felt like you needed something to feel better, but that thing was terrifying to you? I do, all the time.
I’m terrified of getting top surgery. Not because I think I’ll regret it, but because of all of the things that could happen.
I’m a non binary 21 year old. I was blessed and cursed with a very femme face, and an ass to boot. (All the puns intended.)
I’ve never liked my chest. When my breasts started to come in at the lovely age of 12, I did everything I could to not have to wear a bra. I didn’t even know myself then. I didn’t know why I didn’t want breasts, I just knew that I didn’t like them.
As I got older, my relationship to my chest got weirder. My biggest concern in the dating world wasn’t “will they be nice to me?” Or “will we have things in common?” It was always the horrifying realization that maybe, eventually the person I was dating would see my body for what it actually was, and not how I wanted it to be.
Getting top surgery could fix that problem.
But here’s my issue. I have really terrible anxiety. Like most people my age, mental illness is just another thing I deal with in everyday life. Because of my mental illness, even thinking about starting the process of top surgery makes me nauseous.
But, I’ve made it easier for myself. I’m 21 now, and I live in a very small town in Alberta, Canada. By the time I’m 25, I want to have saved enough money for top surgery, and have a support system in place so that I don’t have to worry. Right now, I don’t have a support system. My parents don’t want me to get top surgery right now, and honestly I can’t afford to take time off work to recover.
Pretty much what I’m saying is that not everything has to happen all at once. I don’t think I’m ready financially, or mentally to go under the knife. But maybe at 25, I will be. And if not, there’s always 26, 27, 28. Whatever age I am, I can always mark my own path. And no matter what, that is my decision and no one else’s.