Editor’s Note: The following submission is from Ankit Dasgupta. Have an LGBTQ+ related experience or story to share? Having your article published on this site will automatically enrol you into a raffle to win a $50 Amazon Gift Card. Submit an article today via queerdeermedia.com.
[amazon_link asins=’B07226H9RC’ template=’ProductAdRight’ store=’ourqueerstories-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’3a92956d-8c95-11e7-899e-2b0011e7a58f’]This is no ordinary coming out story.
I was 21 and confused I started with a leading financial MNC in Mumbai, India. I was physically attracted to someone but that someone was a man and not a woman.
I was confused and in a dilemma of what is wrong with me? Why is this happening with me?
I went into a shell. I had no one to talk to. I was an introvert. I felt misplaced, misheard.
I had to deal with that attraction every day. I couldn’t set my eyes off him. This went on for months. I was assuming that I was bisexual but I wasn’t. I was trying hard for all those months.
I started watching LGBTQ films in my house, but secretly on my laptop. I was scared. Those films made me relate to the characters shown.
I accepted the fact that I am not sexually interested in women but in men. I accepted the underlying truth within that I am gay.
Now, days had passed. But, still I had to tell someone about myself. I was disturbed and confused to who shall I confide in.
I decided it should be my mom first. She deserves to know about my sexuality from me and not anyone else.
One fine day, I had enough of my confusions. I finally decide to come out to my mom.
I was at work, I call up my mom saying ‘I am leaving from work early, let’s go for a walk’. She said yes.
I go home, freshen up and leave with my mom for a stroll.
The amount of pressure I was feeling in my body, I can’t explain. Suddenly I felt hot. My hands were burning, my heart rapidly beating like a drum roll. As my mom was talking to me I gave her no attention. The battle inside my head had to end. Had to end, ‘NOW’.
I told my mom, ‘lets sit down for a while’.
We sit and I take a very deep breath.
I said, ‘Mom, I need to talk to you and its very important’.
She said, ‘Yes, tell me.’ (With a confused look)
I continue, ‘Mom. I will never get married’.
She said, ‘ok’.
I tell her again, ‘Mom, I am serious. I am not going to marry anyone ever in my life.’
She asks, ‘What’s wrong, why are you telling me this?
I burst out with tears, my mom couldn’t understand. She finally sinked in the conversation. She became tensed and asked, ‘tell me what’s wrong, what happened. I am here to listen’.
I somehow manage my tears and then….
I tell her, ‘Mom, I am not interested in women’.
She asks, ‘Okay, so you are interested in men?’
I tell her, ‘Yes, mom I am interested in men.’ and still I am crying.
She tells me, ‘Okay, so you are saying you are interested in men, sexually?’
I say, ‘Yes, I am interested in men, sexually.’
She asks, ‘So, you are gay?’
I finally say the word, ‘Yes, mom. I am gay.’
She says, ‘That’s it?’
I look at her, very calm and I couldn’t say a word.
Mom held my hand and continued, ‘So what if you are gay, you are completely normal. Why were you crying?. I am proud of what you are. You are my son. I feel lucky now that I gave birth to a gay son. I will always stand by you. You don’t need my acceptance, I accepted long back when I gave you birth. I will support you, always’.
I was baffled, happy, confused and I couldn’t emote. I couldn’t stop crying with happiness(of course). I felt ‘freedom’ for the first time. I had just been set free from a cage. I came out of a dark closet that I created in my head.