Editor’s Note: The following submission is from an anonymous submitter. Have an LGBTQ+ related experience or story to share? Having your article published on this site will automatically enrol you into a raffle to win a $50 Amazon Gift Card. Submit an article today via queerdeermedia.com.
[amazon_link asins=’B01CKJV0DY’ template=’ProductAdRight’ store=’ourqueerstories-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’6b3edc45-a9f6-11e7-9200-d3a3f96f4ae8′]i am a 32 years old female . i was sexually abused when i was a child . actually i have been through different sexual abuses , as i remember starting at 10 years old till almost when i was 19 . since 19 to this moment nothing happened.
these sexual abuses differs between touching my private parts and dirty words . and the reactions to them went gradually from not understanding anything , shocked to few tears, according to my age at each event and my sexual knowledge .
where i came from , sexual abuse ,and sexual discrimination are highly rated . and these issues and specially speaking about sexual orientations is very cautious .
since i was a teenager , i had the character and the style of a tomboy , and still. i used to hear words like , your a girl you should not act like a boy , my relatives and friends alike.
i had some mental ups and downs . i visited a psychiatrist twice . the 1st time i had OCD. and the 2nd time is now and I’m diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder.
i always had my own way of seeing things . i apply my own perspective since the issue in hand is so personal and concerns only me.
these are quick phrases about how my life evolved till this moment.
what made me want to send this message , is my current diagnosis with Adjustment disorder . through the past 6 years i had encountered so many stressful events ( not sexual ) . the last 3 years of them were the beginning of turning point in my life , although i didn’t realize it until the past 7 months.
I am almost at the end of my treatment now.
the 5 months before i started treatment , everything had fallen apart , i was extremely depressed , uncertain about anything in my life , i wasn’t able to connect with my friends and family except for my mom because , she is the only one who knows about my mental condition , i’m hiding it from my brother ( who had his own issues ) and my dad . i didn’t want to make them sad .
it was the most stressful period of my whole life , everything seemed hopeless.
my feelings through this 5 month period were only black . i didn’t see anything beautiful about my life, despite the fact that i have a very supportive family and i gained some success as a photographer . and i had planes to improve myself as a collective visual artist.
my thoughts were around some family issues that seems to have no hope of getting better , some insecurities social or personal.
but the most devastating part of these thoughts , was the part concerning my childhood sexual abuse .
now , i am a 32 years , never had partner sex.
i started to develop sexual feelings since the age of 7 years old , and till the age of 15 i didn’t know that it’s called ( masturbating ). maybe it didn’t start as ( masturbating ) ,but it continued as an act of something beautiful since i knew how to do it on purpose.
everything changed when i knew what it was exactly , it is when i knew it’s called ( masturbating ) and i started to feel odd , and uncomfortable in a way . before, it was just something i do as eating and sleeping , but when i knew what it was exactly i decided to stop . it took me sometime but i did it. and at the age of 17 maybe, i totally stopped.
till the age of 25 , i was only concerned about my future. thinking about studies , college , careers ….. and so on.
i don’t know how to describe that , but my emotional life wasn’t like some of my friends , they had boyfriends and love stories or talking about love and romance . for me i was some kind of a geek at secondary school and when i attended university , it was not that pleasant period i had some problems, social and educational. but i had few one sided crushes here and there . it was only emotional attraction not sexual . and actually it wasn’t disturbing at all to have such crushes , because i didn’t know what is the difference.i wasn’t even aware of these terms. it was like you see someone , you like them, you fantasize about good times , they are just dreamy thoughts. besides that based on my sexual knowledge and realization now , there was nothing sexual about my crushes.
when i turned 25 i met a guy and i have fallen so deeply in love . he was a colleague at some course that i attended and he already had a girl friend when i knew him.
i loved him so much , it was only from my side .
the remarkable thing for me in this story , that the first things came to my mind :-
how would he fall in love with a tomboy like me ?!
and if things went well at any given day and he loved me back , and we got married , how could i deal with him sexually?
my feelings for him were always emotional .
it was the 1st time ever to question my identity as a tomboy ( which i really love ) . and it was the 1st time ever to ask myself about how i’m gonna deal sexually with a man.
maybe i had problems concerning dealing with men socially , and sex issues before the age of 25 . but it didn’t had this remarkable effect on me . and i never asked myself such questions before . it never ever happened , my mind never dealt with these issues in such away before.
until the age of 25 and it all started. now i don’t feel the same about him , he is a memory now .
after that i started to go into society , i started studying photography , had a job . and i started to feel more easy at dealing with men socially . and i always felt that my relationship with men is more fine when they are only friends . now i have several male friends.
but my problems start when i fall for someone . i’m an over-thinker by default , and when i fall for someone , millions of dozens of thoughts run through my head . but it’s only one thought that controls and dominates ,which is :- how will i deal with this one sexually ?!
my question here is not out of frustration, that i want to have sex but because of my trauma i can’t . no, sex literally is a disgusting awful practice for me . i don’t want sex with or without a partner . i don’t have sexual tensions or want any sex release . i feel awful if i had sleeping orgasms or had some kind of a sexual dreams , i wake up so damn upset and it corrupts the day for me.
i tried for quite a long time , to understand about sex . i surfed dozens of sites , medical ,porn , whatever site or essay is related to sex . trying to understand what is it really .
is it the mainstream topic that controls the media and social sites in a very vulgar and sometimes abusive way . is it what medical sites describe its nature?!
despite the fact that the language is much lighter at the medical sites , and despite the fact that i know that there is a great difference between things in reality and things when they are mainstreamed and exaggerated . it never changed my idea.
and although i know that not every man is a harasser and that there are decent , supportive men out there . it never changed my mind.
also, knowing that some rape , sexual abuse survivors are conducting normal life,with sexual partners . it was never a satisfactory .
add to that , for a long time i thought that i was a doomed child for experiencing sexual feelings during such a young age, i felt shame and guilt . it took me almost 2 decades to know that its so normal and part of children evolution to experience such feelings , as a part of getting to know their identities .
almost 7 month ago , when everything fell apart. when i couldn’t be able to deal with myself , my family and friends .
when i wasn’t even sure of myself and what i want in life.
when i doubted even my career as a photographer , which i adore .
and my past started to haunt me severely. i remembered every sexual abuse . i developed more hate for my body and femininity and for whatever might relate to the past.
i even started to hate my emotional feelings . i was always asking myself , why i fall for someone emotionally when i know for sure that there is no way , that i would ever be in a sexual relationship with him. i even prayed to God and said :- pleas i don’t want to feel love for anyone anymore . it was a devastating feeling to have such a contradiction . something that i do not understand . and i don’t know why i should go through this.
i always had respect for other people’s lives and differences . and upon some public events i started to gain more interest in the LGPT community. i didn’t had much information about them , until this year’s pride . i followed this event , and i started to stumble upon so many information that i never knew about before . and so many terms that i never heard of.
one of those terms was ( Asexual ) and i knew that it simply means some one who doesn’t have sexual attractions towards any gender . and with further search i found out allot about Asexuality and it’s nature.
now i’m a bit confused . some say that Asexuality is a sexual orientation that someone is born with . some agree that sexual traumas might cause Asexuality at some cases . some give other definitions for those of sexual traumas that caused them not to want sex , other than asexuality.
i know that there are different experiences ,some of them are similar to mine . but i still miss something , i don’t know what it is . i felt that i need to send this message. to end a 22 years of confusion . iam about to start a whole new phase of my life and i do not want my past to haunt me severely any more. i just want to deal with it as a bad memory an move on.
now if iam a survivor of a childhood sexual abuse .
and it’s not just am afraid of sex , no it’s also a disgusting thing for me.
if i don’t want to have sex , if i don’t want it by any means. even if it means that i might spend my life alone .
and since this is not causing me a serious mental problem . it’s just the contradiction between my emotional feelings which i have no problem with them at all . and my sexual feelings that are not into account at all , i don’t feel sexual towards any one . this what cause me sadness .
because i know that if i had feelings for someone , my sexuality will always come in between . and if this happened at any time , then by default i will end everything . because simply my sadness if i’m not able to be with the one i love, is nothing compared to the disgust i feel for such the idea of having sex.
the only sad thing for me here ,is the wight of my feelings , this conflict that gets me every time and drains me totally .
and when i came to the term Asexual . i felt a great relief . i found out that there is a whole sexual orientation for people who had no sexual attractions .and i even knew about the term emotional orientation .
i knew that they do have emotional feelings and living their lives as everybody else with or without partners . they are not aliens or something , they are normal as everybody else .and that there is no contradiction at all between their emotional orientation and their sexual orientation.
my confusion is, if its true that Asexuality as a sexual orientation is something that one should be born with. then if am sexually abused , at a very young age . very young to realize what my true sexuality is. and now i have no sexual attractions towards anyone of any gender at all .
and it’s not causing me any serious problem . like having sexual tensions and i want to release them . because i never feel that way.
then WHAT AM I EXACTLY ?
am i Asexual , as some people suggest that each one is affected by their own unique experience and circumstances and that childhood sexual traumas might cause Asexuality.
or am not , according to those who suggest that Asexuality is an identity that one is born with .
what confuses me also is , since i was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder and started my treatment ,and everything is going ok with solving my social problems . i’m getting better concerning dealing with my family and friends . and doing ok also with my career and i started to desire to work again.
it was ok until sometime ago . i went to see my psychiatrist , and it was 2 days after i knew about the term Asexuality . i didn’t tell her about what i found out because i was almost sure that she will deal with the issue as if i’m suffering some kind of disorder concerning sexuality .or maybe she has no idea about it. but i decided to tell her in general , that i just hate sex and i have no problem with me hating it. and what makes me sad is when i’m triggered by something that reminds me of my past . and how the weight of my feeling disturbs me , when i’m in love with someone.
we discussed the matter , and she told that to tell me how to deal with the weight of my feelings and how to deal with triggers , she had to dissolve all the wrong ideas about sex in my head.
Despite the fact that i told her that i know very well , that there is difference between reality and what i see on the mainstream media . and i know for sure that not all men are the same . and i know that their are wrong ideas about sex and that there are specialists that i can visit whenever i feel that i want to connect to someone sexually.
continuing discussing the matter , i felt that she thinks that its wrong not to like sex because its a basic human instinct and shit. at this very moment i wanted to slap her , really .
so i decided to go with the discussion to leave as quick as possible.
after this session i felt so much angry . there is nothing wrong with me . i just hate sex . either i was born this way or my sexual trauma caused it , it doesn’t matter . i still feel that there is nothing wrong with me for hating sex , or not feeling sexual attraction .
but for an over-thinker like me , i just ask myself :-
am i Asexual ?!
am i mentally ill ?!
am i a freak ?!
i would like to apologize for the super long message , but pleas forgive me i didn’t find any other way to end my confusion and close this chapter forever.
and i would like to apologize if i’m not clear enough ,i don’t have the gift of expressing myself with words. so pleas ask me anything you want if i need to clarify myself.