Editor’s Note: The following submission is from JohnPaul Carter. Have an LGBTQ+ related experience or story to share? Having your article published on this site will automatically enrol you into a raffle to win a $50 Amazon Gift Card. Submit an article today via queerdeermedia.com.
[amazon_link asins=’B071FFVQKS’ template=’ProductAdRight’ store=’ourqueerstories-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’0f8306e3-8caf-11e7-9fc9-3b75f9b9af4b’]I would like to comment on a controversial video made by the American Christian pastor whose name is Stephen Anderson.
He was calling homosexuals, perverts and paedophiles who should be put to death.
I take that sort of comment personally as I have struggled with my sexuality all my life.
I was sexually abused as a child which caused me confusion as I grew into an adult.
At the time I wasn’t aware of homosexuality being an acceptable option, therefore I assumed that my feelings of attraction to the same sex were a result of my abuse, so I tried very hard to suppress those feelings. I always knew that I felt different, so I did my best to live according to what I perceived to be normal social behaviour.
I was a very confused young men and did my best to fit in. I then started to drink alcohol and the feelings that I had been trying to suppress began to RE emerge and I started to act out upon them and quite often the following morning I would feel strong feelings of shame and regret which only caused me to want to drink more to suppress those feelings.
During the next 25 years I struggled with relationships and continue to drink more and more discovering illicit drugs along the way. Eventually I realized that something was wrong and I needed to stop drinking and drugging.
After I stopped drinking, It soon became apparent to me that reality was a difficult place to be without my drug of choice and I began to experience the feelings that I had been trying to suppress. By this time I was 43 years old and sick and tired of feeling the way I felt, so I decided to embark on a journey of discovery and find out who John really is. Am I Homosexual, bisexual or straight?
It hasn’t been an easy journey.
I’ve tried to 12 steps of recovery, several different religions and found that spirituality works best for me. I’ve also participated in sexual abuse groups and had several counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists, who have all been most helpful.
And to add a touch of humour to this whole scenario, here I am at 68 years old thinking that I might finally get this resolved before I Pass from this world, which I hope to do because I feel that I might have finally achieved something.
If nothing else I will have proved to myself the answer to the nature and nurture debate because no matter how hard I tried I could not believe my life as a heterosexual because I am not a heterosexual. At the very least I am bisexual, and it seems to me that it’s variable from day to day, which also tells me that in fact
I was born this way…
I hope my story gives others hope that they too can come to terms with who they are…
and one important thing I forgot to mention in my story, was that I was adopted, which may not sound like much to some, but it’s one of those things that plays a major role in defining who we think we are…