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Living in the closet all my life, has not been easy but now at 39 years of age I am out and out with a bang. I am different, I am gay and I am human. I had quite a normal childhood and swimming was the greater part of that. I started swimming in 1987 at the age of 9. I was a very good swimmer. Somehow, I grew up used to seeing almost naked bodies. I represented my country at various international swimming meets. My last appearance for Seychelles was at the Indian Ocean games in La reunion in 2015 after which I retired as a swimmer. I can honestly say that seeing nearly naked bodies has been natural for me at such a young age but it was not that of the girls that interested me.
Seychelles has always been a predominantly Christian country and because of that I always felt intimidated about embracing who I really am. My attraction to men came at an early age for me and being with the boys in the pool and seeing them in the shower only ignited my sexuality and curiosity. As a teen that was a big challenge for me, I would secretly check out the guys and fantasize in secret. Not ever wanting them to realize who I was. I would sometimes get hard-ons and hide it by sitting down and covering my crotch with a towel. At the back of my mind I always wondered if they saw it whether they will be offended or flattered. To make matters worse I had a huge crush on one of the swimmers on the team although nothing ever happened or to say it right I did not dare to even try anything with him. So i lived in my little fantasy world, wondering and wondering…
I desperately wanted my team mates to find out who I was, I wanted to be laughed at and be humiliated, having them punish me by taking turns using me but that was just me living in my fantasy world. During competition overseas it was normal for boys to share rooms. It was pure torture for me, wanting them to just crawl over to my bed at night and make out. It was not easy for me to deal with all of that.
I tried to be interested in girls but I never really was, I did go on dates with girls just for appearance and denying who I was. Looking back now I find it hard to believe that I did not accept who I was, I just couldn’t. I was in complete denial hoping that I will eventually change as if what I was feeling was just a phase. Boy, was I wrong! Losing my virginity at 15 to a man only fuelled my attraction to men – I was on a path of no return.
I can openly share how it happened. It was at the end of the Indian Ocean games in Seychelles in 1993. All athletes were partying and having a good time. After a few drinks I was already tipsy. Throughout the competition, I had had my eye on a much older guy, he was not the best-looking guy but after he gave me some long stares I felt a connection. I knew he was twice my age but that little fact did not matter. I just wanted to know him better and find out if this guy will be the one to unravel all the secrets of my sexuality. Being a teenager I should say I was not thinking at all with my head and having had a few drinks gave me the boost in confidence I needed.
I made the move, I asked him to join me on a walk along the Port Launay beach and when he accepted I felt hopeful. It was going on 9 pm and most of the athletes were hanging around the village having fun. I was hoping this would provide the privacy I needed. They say having sexual urges as teenagers is normal. Yet having them for the same sex is unacceptable, whatever I was feeling that night was wonderful. It felt right not sinful, it felt normal.
We talked about the competition as we strolled along the moonlit beach, at the end of the beach he sat on a rock with his feet dangling. It felt romantic as if part of my fantasies were coming true. Naughty thoughts flooded my brain. I could not think straight I felt so aroused. I could not hold back any longer it was do or die. I did not think about being rejected. I bent down to kiss him and he moved away. I felt so embarrassed. I should not have done that, what if I read him wrong, maybe he is not into guys. I apologized and turned to walk away. Just then I felt his hand grab mine, he pulled me to him and enveloped my mouth with his in a deep passionate kiss. It felt as good as I had imagined if not better. I was consumed by desire. This only excited me more. I felt possessed, acting out my deepest fantasies for the first time. I did not really know what I was doing but I had fantasized about this moment and I was not about to give up not now. I had an idea of what was to come but the initial pain was just unbearable and he was determined to have a good time. It was pure bliss, never in my adolescent life did I ever think I would experience this much pleasure. I felt so weak and helpless. He had full control of me and I loved that feeling. I was so vulnerable. I knew it was over all too soon and I could not help wondering whether he was disappointed or not. Walking back to the village I let my mind ponder on what has just happened. I was still on cloud nine. If this is what sex was like with a guy I definitely wanted more. I never met the guy again but I was thankful for that one night, my first time.
How I managed to cope as I discovered my true self:
After the games though I had to face reality, in Seychelles being gay was unacceptable; it was a crime and a capital sin. Nobody would welcome same sex relationship at least at that time. Although my first experience was simply amazing for me I could not share that to the world. I felt confused, dirty and different. Nobody would understand me, will they believe that I was innocent that I did not choose to be this way, how could I? I was just a child, tormented by my thoughts and feelings so I kept quiet. Not confiding in anyone, not even a close friend, that’s how scared I was. I have witnessed too frequently openly gay men or boys being teased, bullied, and beaten up that I was petrified of coming out. So, I kept my secret under lock and key in a closet that only I had access to and it was like that for a long time.
University was a life changer for me and I needed that freedom, it provided me with the opportunity to explore and embrace my sexuality. I felt free for the first time. Free to express myself without any fear. Free to be different, free to not be normal, free to be gay, free to be me. I had the time of my life although it was short lived. After graduation it was back home to Seychelles, I had to tame myself so I can fit back into my closet.
When I finally made the decision to open up to the world:
I did manage to find the strength to confide my secret to a close girlfriend. To my amazement she was not as surprised as I thought she would be. I think she had known for so long in any case. It was a relief through the keyhole of my closet I could share my feelings and fantasies with her and she did not make me feel disgusted and sinful. Even my fantasies of being dominated by men was met with a ‘’It’s your life, do what makes you happy’’. My brother knew all along what was happening and was not shocked at all and he just went on as things had never changed – which they hadn’t. And my mum is a sweetheart, as all mothers are, when I told her about it she just came over and gave me a big hug.
My load became just a little lighter and I became hopeful that there are other good friends who would be just as supportive, understanding, accepting and open minded. I found quite a few like that along my path. I am very grateful for their presence in my life not once being openly judgmental of me. Without them I would certainly never be as happy as I am now.
Their support has allowed me to grow in confidence and learn to spread my wings. They made me bold enough to launch my own amateur gay porn career in 2014. Videos and photos of me are now spreading like wild fire on the internet. I hope that someday I can become a professional in this field. It would be a dream. From a shy, reserved boy some 30 years ago. I have lived in the closet for far too long and this is my coming out story to the world.
What people think of me and how it has affected me and how i have reacted to all the criticism:
This varies quite a lot. Most of my close friends and family are very supportive, understand and see me for who I am. Others not so much. You will get people calling you names and insulting you in supermarkets and on the street as you pass by. ‘There goes cucumber man!!!’, would be one I would hear a lot. Deep down I liked that comment as it would bring back some interesting times.
When more and more guys found out I was gay, I got many guys getting in touch with me secretively and wanting to meet up for either just for chat or some extra fun. Over the years I have managed to develop a strong bond and friendship with many married men who are unfortunately stuck in a relationship not because of love but because they are too frightened to live a life that society will frown upon.
I am who I am; I have dealt with it and accepted it. Being gay is not a disease or something I should be ashamed of. I have sacrificed so much hiding that who I truly am and it still hurts so bad thinking about it. I am not the first or the last. I have survived the hardest of obstacles, that of embracing my true self. I am now ready to begin the next chapter in my life. To be free and of course have some serious fun.
What I feel the gay community in Seychelles needs and what changes are needed in Seychelles:
Changes will happen gradually and naturally. There is no point to force anything. The whole world is getting smaller. I mean people from all over, from different cultures, races, nationalities, are mingling and interacting more frequently and humankind is becoming more accepting. I have hope. Just be yourself!