Editor’s Note: The following submission is from Domina Alexandra. Have an LGBTQ+ related experience or story to share? Having your article published on this site will automatically enrol you into a raffle to win a $50 Amazon Gift Card. Submit an article today via queerdeermedia.com.
[amazon_link asins=’B00SJD4FWE’ template=’ProductAdRight’ store=’ourqueerstories-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’015efed8-a277-11e7-a081-63bfc3a0df7b’]Now to remember correctly, I was twenty-four when I came out. I had less than twenty percent of a relationship with my birth mother for reasons that had nothing to do with me being gay. Let’s just say I lived the whole cliche religious household thing. I was out loud and proud yet highly uncomfortable putting it on social media where my birth mother and siblings would find out. Then as if a light clicked on I said, “who gives a damn?” I didn’t.
My birth mother so happen to be in town a few weeks later. Individuals who knew both My birth mother and I did the whole getting into my business thing. They convinced me that she could have changed her ways. See things in new perspective. To not write her off; or in my case, erase her like bad memory.
I listened of course. She was my birth mother.
I had to think of some location to meet her. That was important. She was not coming inside my house. She would do a full on visual inspection my place.
I thought of a coffee house that I visited on a regular. Loved the place. A safe zone.
It was about six in the evening. I told myself, if she’s a minute late, I would leave. I hoped she wouldn’t come honestly. Before I further; please understand, I wasn’t harsh to my birth mother ever. She did the having me thing at a young age and even told me one time she never wanted me. You can guess how our relationship was since the beginning of my life. “I have to learn how to love you every day,” she told me once. I’m no longer bitter or feel any sadness! Three years of therapy killed those feelings.
Back to current story. I arrived at the coffee house and to my surprise she was there before me. I nearly turned to just leave but she saw me.
Next task. Where to sit? I glanced around. My conscious was like “hell no on sitting inside.” I did not know how she would respond to my news so I didn’t want witnesses staring.
We sat out on the patio in front. I sat across from her, not sure how to start this conversation. My girlfriend just texted me moral support and that somehow lifted my confidence up to say what I needed.
My birth mother started off with saying how sorry she was for all the years. How much she’s learned from her mistakes. That she wants to be a mother to me now. All words I once dreamt of hearing. Words I wish I heard so many times before.
Well, I put her words to the test. I thought of how I could break the news. Do I give a breakdown of things that have changed in my life and then say, “being gay is one of them?”
No. I was proud of being gay. I mean it was my first year out. I did the whole Pride thing. I nearly introduced myself to people as “hi I’m Domina and I’m a happily gay woman’s.”
I felt that I did not need to tell her with sadness or fear. I wasn’t afraid of who I was or sad about it. That would be her own issue to deal with.
So I looked at her with a smile on my face. I waved my hand out as if to physically say, “to da…”
I said it, “Glad to hear you see things differently because I’m so gay.” My grin at the end was like a punch to her face.
She began rocking back and forth and tears started pouring down her face. I utterly looked confused and then embarrassed and then annoyed. I looked around hoping people didn’t noticed. I thanked my wise mind for thinking of sitting outside.
Suddenly a friend of mines walked by saying hey. He say my birth mother crying and then said bye faster then his “hey.”
She cried long enough for me to have a full on texting conversation with my girlfriend at the time. Ten minutes perhaps.
Eventually she started nodding her head saying things like, “I knew this day would come…I tried to stop it. I can handle this.”
I mentally shook my head. Of course she knew. They always know, right?
After all the self pity of having a gay daughter was over she said, “I Will still love you.”
In my mind I said, let’s see. I asked, “will you love me enough to meet my girlfriend. Or any in the future.”
Her response started off with a deep breath. She couldn’t look me in the eyes. “I can do that. Publicly.”
I frowned. “She can’t come into your house. My future wife can’t come into your house?”
Her response. “I will be nice enough to meet her out publicly, but allowing her in my house is condemning my soul. God comes first.”
Hmm. I was already knowing where this was leading. I asked next. “What about thanksgiving or Christmas. Am I supposed to leave her behind ? She can’t come into your house? Or if I had a special dinner at our house would you come?”
Her response was shaking her head. “I cant condemn my soul.”
I was already over her speech earlier in her changing. She was still the same just new problems she couldn’t accept about me.
I asked. “What about when I get married. Would you come to my wedding?”
Her response, “God did not allow for two when to marry. That’s not marriage. I can’t not come, that would be condemning my soul.”
She was beginning to sound like one of those people in court sitting on the stand. The lawyer is asking questions and all they can say, “I plead the fifth.”
I was over it but I asked one last question. “What about when we have children. Would you be apart of their lives?”
For the first time, she gave no answer. Not a “I’m condemning my souls or anything.” It was as if she was visualizing demons hovering over my future kids lives for the rest of their lives.
From all that, I said, “well, I will not condemn myself for you or anyone. I’m happy being me and if that is how you feel, you have a right to stick to your beliefs.”
She thought that was me accepting her feelings enough that I would still just be willing to bring myself conviction for her. That I would condemn my future wife and children to her needs. That I would leave my wife and kids on nights to go to my birth mothers house on thanksgiving without them. She thought I would just submit to that. The old Domina would have. But I wasn’t the same.
I smiled and looked at her. “I wish you the best but I’m not interested in reconnecting with you if that means not being me around you.”
I wasn’t angry or sad. Did I find it sad how she viewed my life? Yes. But I had no sadness for myself. Me being gay was her issue and sadness all by herself. I would not be a party to it.
I went home and saw my girlfriend later that evening feeling rather proud of myself for facing the hardship of a birth mother like means. It took away any leftover tension inside me.
And still to this day, I’m a happily gay woman and I love it!