Am I A Lesbian: A Journey of Sexual Orientation and Gender Identification

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I’ve been talking to a small group of lesbians online recently. I hadn’t planned on it, it just sort of happened, but yeah. And I’ve really enjoyed it. I like lesbians. Not all of course. I mean the vast majority I’ve never met, so how can you like someone you never met? And that goes for the human race as a whole. But for the ones I met, I like. And when we talk, it’s about normal everyday stuff: movies, celebrities, shoes, comics, dealing with depression; you know, just stuff.

But the question has been haunting me for a while; AM I A LESBIAN?

As a trans women who is attracted to women, I guess I am, to a point. But that’s never sat right with me. One, saying or identifying as a lesbian trapped in a man’s body seems like a vulgar “shock-jock” joke. And second; while our struggles are similar, they are not the same.

I was born with a white, male body. And until I started coming out, I have enjoyed what privilege that has afforded me. And since I’m attracted to women, ever the better. I married, had children, I basically lived a decent working class life. Struggles? – Oh hell yeah; but nothing to where I feared for my safety (other than at work where I was around dangerous equipment). As long as I kept my feelings and my true identity a secret I was safe.

Now to some degree, lesbians, indeed all gay people share this. But the thing that separates me from them is I at least could love they person I wanted to love with fear of repercussion. Every woman I dated or slept with was a 100% society approved. For a lesbian, not so much.

Now you could argue that, yes, I was able to love who I wanted to, but I wasn’t free to express my true gender identity. Which is true. But that’s still not the same. For me to refer to myself as a lesbian, I feel like I’m laying claim to someone elses battle. Like a solider who fought at Bullrun claiming they were at Gettysburg. Both were battles, but not the same battle.

So I currently call myself a transbian – a transgendered woman who is also attracted to women. But I don’t like it. The first time I heard it was used dirisively by another trans woman who thought only trans women who were attracted to men were truly trans. Transbians were just men with a lesbian fetish (that’s right folks, even in marginalized communities there’s divisions and hierarchies. The bullcrap never stops). But that’s all I got for now.
Maybe once I have bottom surgery (if that day ever comes) I’ll feel different. But for now, that’s where my head is at.