A Country Boy Hidden Within Himself.

Editor’s Note: The following submission is from Brandon Hawkins. Have an LGBTQ+ related experience or story to share? Having your article published on this site will automatically enrol you into a raffle to win a $50 Amazon Gift Card. Submit an article today via queerdeermedia.com.

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Hello there how do I begin……. Well first off my name is Brandon, I’ve been married to a woman for 7yrs and have 3 kids…. but I’m secretly gay. Ok now let’s go back and start from the beginning! I guess the first time I realized I was gay was in the second grade… There was a boy sitting in front of me in class. I remember thinking he’s beautiful and I just wanted to climb over the table and kiss him. I mean those thoughts was so innocent for a child! Ok let me bring you up to speed on some FYI, I’m from a small rural town with a population under 3000. So if your gay you are the outcast, you are something society does not accept or so I thought! Ok lets go back in time again. I guess it was probably around the same time I realized I was gay in elementary “and I say realized but your a innocent child you don’t know what gay means, you don’t know what straight means. All you know is how you feel, you don’t realize if it’s right or wrong! I mean your born that way!” Ok lets get back on track…. like I was saying it was around the same time in elementary I remember kids (young boys) bullying and making fun of me. I didn’t know what i was doing wrong or why they was so mean to me!!?? Well the older I got probably the 7th grade I realized why I was always made fun of, I acted feminine (girly acting). Well as soon as I became aware of how I was acting I tried every possible way to change!!! And eventually it worked, I was a small town country boy who fished, hunted, chew tobacco did every possible thing to fit into my rural society! But I always knew what or who I honestly was! Ok…. let’s speed things up for a minute. So my senior year of high school I got the girl I was talking to pregnant so we became a couple. Got married a little down the road and had two more children. Ok…. let’s go back for now. Growing up was so difficult! After being bullied and made fun of for so long when I was a child it got where I was self conscious about every aspect of everything I did or didn’t do! When I got older every time I would hear people talk and laugh I thought it was about me “OMG did I walk funny do they think I’m gay now??” It was like this with everything I did, OMG did the way I walk make them think I was gay. OMG did the way I talk sound gay. OMG maybe I should have said more now their going to think I’m gay! So On and So on…….. i cant like that song they’ll think I’m gay, I can’t like that color they’ll think I’m gay, I cant watch that movie they’ll think I’m gay! My life was so tiring, I hated the fear that I lived with everyday, every minute, every moment of my life!!! It kept me from making so many friends, it made me lose so many friends. The fear and the fight/war with myself was unbearable (I was my own worst enemy!) It caused me to become a angry person, a person who no longer had any patience for anything! I hated myself everyday, the fight never stopped. I wanted to kill myself so many times and a few times I took action to that. The war with myself made me so depressed at times! I felt like I’ve been alone my whole life!! Ok lets go back to the present…. me and my wife………. Well we were together almost 10yrs total. Our marriage was on the unhappy side, I believe we only got with each other is because she had gotten pregnant. We never liked the same thing, we never agreed on the same thing. I said that’s white she said that’s black ect… It was like that our whole marriage. I always told myself we didn’t get along because we was so different, but I truly knew it was because I was gay she could never satisfy that need. I tried to marry a women and live the life I thought had to be lived but you can never run from who you truly are! I don’t regret the path I took first in life, I have three beautiful children who mean everything to me, but I do not want to live with the fear that was inside me ever again! Im 28 years old and I just came out of the closet! I’ve only been out for a short time but…..My family was way more supportive than I ever imagined!!! I’ve got support from everywhere I have went so far! I no longer have 5 million pounds sitting on my shoulders, I am figuratively speaking weightless! I no longer have fear, I no longer have anger. After 28 years I can finally be me the person I never got to be! I can wear skinny jeans without worrying what if they judge me, I can like that song now, don’t have to worry about the way I walk, I don’t have to worry about anyway I speak! I can be me, I have recently discovered accepting yourself is sooo liberating!!! So I hope and pray that maybe my story will help someone who is struggling so bad in life like I was… and to that person who is going through a similar situation don’t be afraid let the fear go, it will all be better, accept yourself and everything will fall into place! I hope that my message may help to save a person’s life.ve anger. After 28 years I can finally be me the person I never got to be! I can wear skinny jeans without worrying what if they judge me, I can like that song now, don’t have to worry about the way I walk, I don’t have to worry about anyway I speak! I can be me, I have recently discovered accepting yourself is sooo liberating!!! So I hope and pray that maybe my story will help someone who is struggling so bad in life like I was… and to that person who is going through a similar situation don’t be afraid let the fear go, it will all be better, accept yourself and everything will fall into place! I hope that my message may help to save a person’s life.